Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy
As a single dad going it solo (half-time custody) for eight years now, I’ve learned to lead a fulfilling, satisfying life without a partner. But… if you’re a single parent like me and a lot of the bloggers I read, you’re probably missing out on intimacy, sex, adult love.
MsSingleMama recently asked the question, Who Needs a Husband, Anyway? She feels strongly that single moms rock on their own (they do), and that their kids will be fine without a father figure present in the home (they might). But what she ignores is the intimacy needs of the single parent.
Lest we forget the importance of intimacy, the dictionary reminds us its meaning - belonging to or characterizing one’s deepest nature. Sounds important.
Intimacy comes in many forms. Touch, communication, shared experiences. From a sex point of view, a hookup can certainly feel intimate. (Lord knows I’ve blogged about hookups enough, mainly sharing my frustration with them as a source of adult closeness for me as a single dad living in the suburbs where there are hardly any singles my age.)
But are booty calls enough?
Hookups provide the rush of a temporary feeling of closeness. It seems to me if you had that feeling of closeness all the time, it would lead to a different, deeper sense of fulfillment. (And if not, why do people seek out sex or hook up at all?)
I’ve been in some great relationships post-divorce, and while I haven’t remarried, I know my kids are fine. They are happy, healthy, loving, strong, evolving people. But I also know I’m not modeling an adult romantic relationship for them, and that’s a sad thing.
In Seat of the Soul, Gary Zukav writes about spiritual partnership – partnership between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth. Like MsSingleMama, Mr. Zukav suggests we no longer need marital partners for survival. Women and men both are separately capable of working, raising kids, and running a household solo. But he suggests you need that equal partner to learn how to care for another person more than yourself. That is the root of compassion.
As the Dalai Lama says, the purpose of life is to be happy, and the way to happiness is through compassion. As parents, we certainly experience this by putting the needs of our children first. As adults, we can experience this on some level with everyone we meet.
But infusing unconditional love into an intimate relationship – for me, that’s the missing link.
I think it’s great and important for single parents to feel fine about their lives. Accepting your own situation is the first step to internal peace and happiness. Being a single parent doesn’t mean we’re flawed. We don’t have to spend all our time seeking a partner.
But there’s also nothing wrong with allowing an adult in your life. For me as a single dad, the lack of feminine energy and adult intimacy feels incomplete.
In short, I’m tired of sleeping alone.
- Beginners Tantra – Sexy and Heartfelt
- Feminine Energy is a Very Good Thing
- Pass The Kleenex, I’m Tearing Up
- Single Parent, Empty House, Full Life
- Kid-Friendly Companionship With Benefits
- Physical Intimacy
- Couples Tantric Breathing Exercise
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Comment by Jim Everson
| June 11th, 2008
Wow. Great post. I agree with everything here. I would just add from my own experience that “having a partner” around doesn’t necessarily provide intimacy either. In fact, it can lead to the opposite and cause a person to shut down all of their human connections. Its complicated stuff. Your observation that intimacy is rooted in compassion and cultivating the capacity for compassion opens the doors for intimacy, I think, is dead on. Thanks.
Comment by debra
| June 11th, 2008
As a single mom smack in the middle of invincibly being able to handle everything myself, I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about what I want from a relationship. You’ve just articulated every feeling I’ve been trying to understand. So why am I teary eyed? Wow, so well written, thank you.
Comment by mapiprincesa
| June 11th, 2008
Yeah…oh, yeah. I am hearing this one.
I had a pedicure, for the first time in four years back in January and cried…physical contact from somebody other than my children, and all I could do was to sit and cry. I have long been starved for physical touch. I came from a family that did not touch. It is almost as if destined to live a life that lacks of touch. Thankfully I was given two children who absolutely love to cuddle with their mother.
I am afraid I have forgotten how to be intimate. Intimacy in my marriage always ended in tears for me, hence there has been none in over two years now as I decided it is healthier for me to be true to myself than to pretend everything is fine when it so seriously is not. I am in my sexual prime and all I have to show for it is a purple rabbit that needs new batteries.
And am teaching my young children that it is normal for Mommies and Daddies to not even sleep in the same room, let alone on the same floor of the house, and for no touch to ever occur because Daddy makes Mommy’s skin crawl. Yes, that is sad indeed.
What an emotion-evoking post, Daddy-o. Thank you…looking forward to comments on this. Be well.
Comment by Amy
| June 11th, 2008
Your comments couldn’t be more timely. I’ve been alone for over three years now and just finally started to give myself permission to begin feeling something other than self pity, anger, and disbelief.
Over and over I’ve said that I “just missed the frequent sex”. I had to eat those words this weekend as a casual friend began to make some moves that made it clear he might like something more. Being absolutely starved for any kind of affection I happily cuddled with him on the front porch swing, but soon realized that even if we took it into the bedroom that it was a temporary band-aid on a large gaping wound.
The imtimacy of spooning in bed while watching the Daily Show, saying goodnight, waking up in the morning together, and even just planning the details and the grand plans of life together is what really heals that wound. You are SO right that there is an intimacy that a booty call or a one night stand can’t really meet. Sometimes though I wish it could. Thank you for such a great post.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 11th, 2008
Jim – you are absolutely right, and I think a lot of divorced men and women would agree completely.
Debra – as a single dad invincibly trying to handle everything myself, I sometimes get teary-eyed too. (I blogged about that here: http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/04/02/pass-the-kleenex-im-tearing-up/)
I tend to put up a wall to protect myself, and I bet other single parents do as well. When I take a glimpse beyond the wall and see what I’m missing, it hurts.
Mapiprincesa, I know exactly how you feel.
Comment by Rebekah
| June 11th, 2008
Admittedly sleeping alone sucks. BUT, I would rather sleep alone than have someone in my life that is causing me nothing but grief. Someone that doesn’t understand that my son ALWAYS comes first. I recently moved OUT of my boyfriends house because it was like having two children….and while most women would say their husbands are like kids, I refuse to put up with someone adding to the stress of raising a child alone. We are still dating, but living together was just NOT working out. Plus, as I age I find it more and more difficult to accept the flaws and naunces and little quirks of my partners. I feel like I’m old and set in my ways at 31. What ever will become of me?
Comment by Kat Wilder
| June 11th, 2008
I was just thinking along these lines as I walked my dog this morning (when I do all my “great” thinking.
Jim brings up a wonderful point — you can be lacking intimacy even while partnered/married, and that is a unique sadness.
The beginning of your post seems to be confusing sex with intimacy; booty calls and hook-ups are sex, and maybe a little more if it’s with someone for whom you care deeply. But it’s not necessarily intimacy.
As you say, there are many ways to have intimacy, and women do that very well with our girlfriends. We share and support and advise and nurture each other through good and bad; for most men, that is not how they walk through the world.
To me, what you seem to be saying is you’re missing someone who’s there for you, like our moms used to be. Someone who asks how you are, and is genuinely interested in your answer. And that’s more than spooning; you can get that at a cuddle party!
Even with an extended “family” of relatives and friends, religion for some, there is nothing that replaces that.
Comment by Lance
| June 11th, 2008
I hear you brother. This is the big drawback with playing the field and juggling dates and gf’s. At some point it gets soul sucking.
@Kat: I can’t say I’ve ever had a cuddle party. For me, much of sex with a gf is intimacy, and even if we’re not having sex we’re still intimate. I’m simply not getting that with my guy or platonic girlfriends.
Comment by The Exception
| June 11th, 2008
No matter how okay I am with being a single parent (and I have never not loved it at the end of the day), I crave that intimacy. We aren’t talking about the wild passionate sex(though that isn’t bad either) We are talking the shared silences, discussing the events of the day, holding hands, true companionship, private jokes, little touches/smiles/familiarity. It is the intimacy that comes from talking and sharing and evolving together. I want that person who is going to enrich my life just by sharing it. I want that masculine energy in my life; it is something I notice when it isn’t there and I appreciate so much when it is.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 11th, 2008
Kat – I’m not looking for someone to be there for me and take care of me like a mom. No way. I’m looking for someone to love. (Freddy Mercury got it right… somebody find me somebody to love) As for confusing sex with intimacy – nope, not confusing them. They are different. Though sometimes just being touched feels quite intimate when you are intimacy-starved. And sometimes a booty call feels like a replacement for that much needed intimacy. It’s not.
The Exception – yep, that’s more what I was getting at. Shared intimacy comes in many forms. That’s so great that you appreciate it when it’s there. That’s something about bickering married couples, or parents who complain non-stop about their kids, that maybe they could do differently.
Rebekah – yep, bad relationships are worse than being alone.
Lance – playing the field has its purpose, but you’re right, it can’t go on forever.
Great comments, all.
Comment by Kat Wilder
| June 11th, 2008
Yikes! I didn’t mean mom as in a woman to take care of us; more like someone who’s available to us for whatever.
Having intimacy with a partner is, as The Exception says, the little inside jokes and “things” that define the couple, as well as being the first person you call with news, good or bad. Someone available to us when we want/need, because he/she really cares and loves, flaws and all.
And, not to slight dads, but in my day, dads weren’t around much — they worked and were involved in things we kiddies didn’t understand — so they weren’t available whenever we needed/wanted them. We had to wait to see them. So kudos to the dads who are available to their kids.
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| June 11th, 2008
I hear you David.
For this babe, booty calls just don’t do it. I need an emotional and intellectual connection to a man to keep me attracted to him. That’s real intimacy.
I get what Kat means about someone who’s available: Dad’s House, remember that chicken soup you would’ve appreciated when you were sick?
Also, as that savvy Kat points out, thank goodness for girlfriends. After my recent romance dissolved, one of my best girlfriends dropped by to console me. I made dinner for us. She gave me a brand new G-spot vibrator…
Comment by SINGLE_M0M
| June 11th, 2008
Intimacy is what can make or break a relationship – too much or too little might push the other person away. It’s this delicate balance that is so hard to get right and why so many of us are still single.
I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for a year now and that is the one thing I truly miss the most, the intimacy and closeness.
While sex more often would be great too it’s clear from the above comments (and experience) that hooking up is easy to accomplish if that’s all a person wanted. It’s well worth the wait, though, to hold out for someone who you truly want to remain close to afterwards.
I’m going to go call my boyfriend now and plan our next rendezvous…before I start to get teary-eyed.
Comment by Victoria
| June 11th, 2008
I was about to add my response when I read about Rachel’s gift from her friend and now all I can say is .. now that’s a true friend!
Comment by dadshouse
| June 11th, 2008
My ex-wife brings me chicken soup when I’m sick. That’s not intimacy, that’s kindness. Now, if she hung out and asked me about my day, and let me talk frankly about my emotions, then it’s more intimate. That scenario sounds like SingleMomSeeking and her female friend.
btw – as a single dad who, contrary to popular belief, can’t conjur up a booty call with a mere snap of the fingers, I submit that all G-spot vibrators be labeled contraband and destroyed. :-)
Comment by Victoria
| June 11th, 2008
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! David, don’t you dare give anyone ideas.
Comment by Susan
| June 11th, 2008
OK, I know it is lame to comment only with a “well said”…but, well said.
The truth is, I’m happier than I have ever been with myself and the direction of my life, and my kids are doing great, but I miss intimacy — in all forms. I’m tired of always being on my own. Not tired enough to settle for any schlep that comes along, but my love life (or lack thereof) has been giving me more pause in the last few weeks than ever before.
All right, so I guess I couldn’t just stop at the well said part. ;)
BTW, I agree with Jim. I was with someone for 12 years and we didn’t connect below the surface on most levels. Leaving was the toughest choice I hope I’ll ever make, but it was the right one. And once you discover something like that, there’s no going back.
Comment by The Exception
| June 11th, 2008
There are many items that can be used as substitutes, but when it comes down to it, they are just that, substitutes. There ain’t nothin’ like the real things whether we are talking intimacy, sex, or G-spot stimulation!
Comment by Deb
| June 11th, 2008
Dads – I have decided to give you a break today and direct my comments to one of your readers since your referenced her in your post today – specifically, MsSingleMama. To her and her “My kid doesn’t need a Dad” ideology I would like to share my quote of the day that comes from a most unlikely source: George Foreman who is a father of 10 (ten) kids. He was interviewed today on the topic of fatherhood as we approach Fathers’ Day this Sunday and he said the following: “Most, if not all, kids from a broken home (defined as a home touched by the calamity of divorce) have a hole in their soul in the shape of their fathers. Wow. Could he have nailed it any better? I don’t think so. Just think how many years of therapy those holes are going to require when those allegedly thriving fatherless kids of hers grow up.
Comment by Kat Wilder
| June 11th, 2008
Oh dear, I think I have to disagree ever so slightly with you — and as a woman who doesn’t like confrontations, that’s huge!
I recently made dinner for a person who has been in a tough spot whom I know through my kid, but with whom I would never be close. That was kindness.
If I made my former hubby chicken soup when he was sick and brought it to him, that would be out of kindness, yes, but also out of a place deep within me that acknowledges that this was a man I once loved, with whom I had a baby, and with whom was married to for 15 years and thus had bonds with and connections to and all sorts of hubby-wife mojo. There is some intimacy connected to that, given the broad definition of what intimacy can look like. For a while, we shared our life together — even though it ended with us living apart, we cannot deny what once was. It helps shape who we are now.
Oh, god, I’m getting all crunchy-granola Marin.”Kumbaya” must be next. I’ll spare you …
Comment by dadshouse
| June 11th, 2008
Kat
well put. I admit, there is deeply rooted feeling between the ex and I because we had kids together. I can’t call it intimacy because for me that label would be unhealthy. She is dating. I am not. I need to find intimacy elsewhere. So, I call it kindness and keep up a wall. Still, she’s my primary emergency contact on any form I fill out.
Kumbaya rocks, in a earthy granola Marin hot tub kind of way. With acoustic guitars, of course.
Deb – I can’t comment on families where the dad isn’t present because I am deeply involved with my kids. I know there will be scars from them growing up in 2 homes. But they also have a confidence that many of their classmates lack. My kids don’t “attach” family and love to one notion, and it’s been a good thing.
The Exception – too funny.
Susan – I agree, a lot of divorced parents will say the same thing, that it’s better to go it solo than with a crappy partner. Hence the divorce. I think it takes a lot of courage to admit you want/crave/need intimacy. Too many of us put up walls of “I am totally fine, I don’t need anyone” out of necessity. And that, to me, is sad!
I kind of like small European towns where neighbors visit unannounced, and the local women play matchmaker.
Comment by Single_M0M
| June 11th, 2008
David,
My hairdresser is our local matchmaker. When you’re in San Diego next time (perhaps on your first book tour), I’ll get you an appointment with her. She also serves as a relationship counselor when things are in need of outside opinions.
Comment by whatmenthink
| June 11th, 2008
I feel like human beings definitely seek out intimacy out of need. We hunger for it. I would agree that learning compassion and understanding comes from having an intimate relationship with an equal. One doesn’t get to that level of understanding on his or her own. Can we survive alone? Perhaps… But I want to more than just survive…
In short, intimacy is necessary for us to thrive, not survive.
Pingback by My Disclaimer & My Apologies. « Ms. Single Mama | June 12th, 2008
[...] it far longer than I have. Tisk, tisk, you young newbie. You think you don’t need a husband? What about intimacy? Oh yeah – that. Well, he does have a [...]
Comment by Hanie
| June 12th, 2008
David, finally…after reading and reading your blog all the while, I found you admitting that it sucks to sleep alone..lol…
Well, as for me as a single mom with a teenager who is 17 (and is almost flying off the coup), I dont find her disturbed by not having a father figure close by. Her father lives about 2.5hours away by flight and they talk on the phone almost every day and see each other as often as they could.
I have been in the dating scene quite a bit and the teenager is encouraging it. Sleeping alone really sucks, David, but its better than getting hurt if in a wrong relationships. I “try” not to have hook ups as I hate the empty feeling when going back home alone. Theres a certain “sickness” in the pit of my stomach knowing there was no real intimacy involved. You cant even say all the endearments lest its being taken out of context. You can experiment more than the usual thingy as you may not be comfortable…
I do miss being with someone – even simple act as to washing the dishes to grocery shopping.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 12th, 2008
Intimacy is very important. Many people are doing without it. As pointed out, even people who have a significant other often find themselves in this boat.
The fact is that your situation does not lend itself to being able to put in the work required to obtain and maintain intimacy.
And unfortunately, for the children, sometimes the single parents are depending too much on them for that intimate connection. As was expressed so well in the movie, “As Good As It Gets.” An agonizing moment when you realize you have been putting that load on your child to be the one who cares most about you.
Children give us a lot, but it is not their place to satisfy our need to be loved.
I feel for the single parent. The job you have is the hardest one on earth. But this phase of it will not last forever. There will come a time when you can take the time to not only find the right partner, but to be one.
Comment by Sandraoho
| June 12th, 2008
Dad’shouse – no, no – don’t even joke about taking away the purple rabbit — ACK!
Kat – I’m singing Kumbaya w/ya’ll! I cannot feel intimacy with my ex but thankfulness, yes (even through all the evil he has done). After all, he gave me the two greatest gifts – our sons.
Deb – Children are flexible and unique. Like snowflakes, no two are alike and you do them a disservice when you lump them together with a comment that “they” will suffer always from the lack of a father in their life. Some children will be scarred by divorce, some benefit, and some just get through it.
No, it’s not ideal for my children to be without a loving, caring, giving man in their lives as a father. But that’s not the hand they were dealt. They have established strong bonds with other males as role-models. They have early on decided what it takes to BE a man in the eyes of God and themselves. They are learning what it takes to be a good person — and for that they do not need a father (or even mother) but a world filled with loving, compassionate, caring people. Without THAT, there is perhaps the potential hole in anyone’s soul.
Oh my, did I just get off-topic and rant? Um, sorry dadshouse — excellent post btw!!
Comment by dadshouse
| June 12th, 2008
These are all great points. Hanie – how did you ever put up with this blog for so long, with all the booty call stories and what no? lol. Glad to have you chime back in.
Cathouse Teri – that’s a fabulous point, and thankfully one I’m aware of. I don’t look to my kids for my source of love. That comes from within. When you give love, you always have it. (I’ve been through a lot of crap, and it took me a while to reach that point)
Sandraoho – nice insights. Except for the purple rabbit. That has GOT TO GO (and be replaced by a man who, and Napolean Dynamite would say, “has skills”)
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 12th, 2008
I love what Sandraoho said. Even about the rabbit. :)
Comment by mssinglemama
| June 12th, 2008
Just for the record – Benjamin has a father. He is a good father, albeit he is not around as often as is ideal – he is around and he loves him dearly. That bond will always be there.
I too crave intimacy, I wrote that post to point out the huge amount of women in this country who are choosing to be single. That fascinates me. I don’t have intimacy with an adult in my life right now – but I am in a different place than Dad’s House. I’ve only been a single parent for two years and in that time I’ve had plenty of boyfriends, enough to make me sick of men at the time being.
Perhaps in a few more years of singleness I’ll be missing it.
But, if there is no man in my life I want to be intimate with – what’s the point in dwelling on it. If he comes along – fantastic and I’ll embrace that relationship – but what if he doesn’t?
Comment by Hanie
| June 12th, 2008
David – booty calls – been there done that. Still I hate to go back alone. ;-) I DID put up with your blog so as to find out whether was it just “me” who is feeling this way, or could it be other people are feeling the same way too? I dont need a husband anyway, at least at the moment, but thats missing the point of having intimacy with someone even with dates. Just not the same. Too much expectations sometimes.
Comment by Dating At Forty
| June 12th, 2008
Am I the only one who found this post thoroughly and utterly depressing? I was doing just fine enjoying good times with my kids & my friends, ploughing through a fairly steady stream of bad dates and trying not to dwell on what I’m missing. Then I read this post, and now I’m in a depressive funk. Can’t we all lighten up a little??
Comment by mapiprincesa
| June 12th, 2008
Just an image I wanted to share:
A lovely, recently retired couple who has been taking classes with my now for a year, ride their bicycle to my home pretty much each morning. It’s about an hour or so ride from their place to mine.
I think of the pure trust that must exist between these two individuals who have made a life together, who have three grown daughters together. As I watched them ride away this morning on that cadillac of a bicycle built for two, that thought of the intimacy of trust that they enjoy brought tears to my eyes. My eyes followed them up the street, legs pumping in sync, she riding on the back and he on the front. They have had crashes and she has broken her arm in one. But they continue to get back on that bicycle built for two and ride–together. Trust.
I am so envious of that display of intimacy, which also I see as a desire to cultivate common interests and improve yourself alongside a partner. This was all an ideal I had when I married, and have come to find that my husband chooses to live in his own world and not budge from that, no matter what different things I introduce to initiate intimate activities on different levels. No, it does not all have to be bedroom or even physical intimacy. Intimacy can involve the entire family…if everybody is ready to compromise and be flexible and make an effort to make it work.
I crave that as much, if not more, than I do a hand to hold, arms to embrace me, body heat to share under sheets and orgasms.
Just made me think, that’s all, and wanted to share. Be well, Daddy-o.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 12th, 2008
MsSingleMama – you’re right, there’s no point in dwelling on a lack of partner in your life. But sometimes it seems from your posts that you celebrate not needing one. That’s where I personally differ. I feel that intimacy is an important thing, and there’s nothing wrong with someone wanting it in their life. I’ve had some great girlfriend relationships post-divorce. I’m single at the moment, but won’t be forever.
I think single parents often put up an emotional wall so they don’t get hurt. I do, anyways, and others have said the same. Everyone is entitled to their wall, that’s a personal choice based on everything a person has been through. Perhaps I posted this post about intimacy to help my own wall crumble a bit.
Comment by The Exception
| June 12th, 2008
Just because we miss or desire this intimacy doesn’t mean that we are despressed or even lonely. In my case, I am content but desire the enrichment that the intimacy brings (though I dislike the work that it takes to find it)!
Comment by Shannon
| June 12th, 2008
I did the wall thing too, and it was only when I put it down that I became ready to remarry. I will say that my husband said that he didn’t have much intimacy in his last live-in relationship. So it doesn’t always work that way-it’s more a compatibliity issue.
And I would never call the relationships that I got intimacy from during my five years as a single mom “booty calls”. They were much, much more than that-but I still maintained (and celebrated) my single mom status. Those men were an important part of my development as a person and made me into the wife that my husband has today. On that note, I’m happy either way-as wife, and as single mom. I definitely think it was easier for me as an individual to just have my daughter to focus on . A relationship requires so much more work than I knew (when you are living together anyway). Throw stepkids in and it’s a ball game that I’m not sure anyone could handle perfectly. But I’m happy, I’m trying, and my daughter is thriving. But I’ve definitely been where Ms. Single Mama is, that’s for sure.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 12th, 2008
Let me just put in a little comment to those who are IN a relationship. We know that this doesn’t mean you are experiencing intimacy.
Please be sure to do the work of staying (or becoming!) intimate. Things as small as talking on the phone about just nothing to sleeping together (odd I should have to remind people in relationships to sleep together) make a huge difference. And the weekly date. No kids.
Do not neglect this. Guard it with your lives. Talk about things that don’t matter. Eat dinner together.
I know it’s hard. Life is busy. But as WhatMenThink pointed out… we don’t want to just survive our relationships. We want them to thrive.
Comment by mssinglemama
| June 12th, 2008
Single parents are by definition “missing out on intimacy” I guess there’s a difference between those of us who miss it and those who don’t.
And you’re right. My wall is high and but there are a lot of cracks – just need someone to want me enough to push a little bit and I’m sure they can get in.
Congrats DH for admitting that you are craving intimacy b/c I’m with Hanie – reading your posts about fantasy threesomes made me think you were just a sex fiend. : )
Comment by dadshouse
| June 12th, 2008
Haha. Except that my threesome post wasn’t about sex. It was really about coffee dates, hiking dates, cooking dates, etc.
btw – I’ve admitted several times in the past that I wanted more than booty. In fact, in most of my booty related posts, I pined for more. I’ve added some related links to the bottom of this post.
Comment by pajama momma
| June 12th, 2008
Things as small as talking on the phone about just nothing to sleeping together (odd I should have to remind people in relationships to sleep together) make a huge difference. And the weekly date. No kids.
Cathouse Teri, I love, love, love your comment. Especially the part I quoted above. It’s so easy to take the other spouse for granted and not set aside time to appreciate each other. You’re brilliant.
Comment by singleworkingmommy
| June 12th, 2008
I take it back. You’re not SO creepy. :)
Here’s hoping you get that intimacy you crave (and deserve).
Comment by mssinglemama
| June 12th, 2008
I know, you’re a big mush ball inside. And yes, cheers to intimacy.
To it and from it, and to it again – if you ever get to it – and don’t do it – may you never get to it, to do it again.
That’s my favorite toast, learned it from the one man I was ever really intimate with.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 12th, 2008
SingleWorkingMommy- thanks!
MsSingleMama – I so didn’t quite follow that, but that’s a-ok. It reminds me of the Old Spice commercial – “if you don’t have it, you want it. If you need it, you won’t get it. If you have too much of it, you still want more..” etc.
Comment by mssinglemama
| June 13th, 2008
Read it again! Out loud.
Comment by Deb
| June 13th, 2008
Dads: I am encouraged to see that you acknowledge the impact and “scars” your kids will have because of growing up in 2 separte households. I work with parents and kids EVERY DAY who are enduring the trauma that this very situation causes in life. So, clearly this is a significant and touchy subject for me.
Sandraho: I could not DISAGREE with you more. Just because children CAN BE “flexible” and “unique” does not mean that selfish parents seeking to satisfy their own selfish urges should test the degree to which their kids are flexible and unique by putting them through the trauma of divorce and a string of unstable “other” relationships with adults who are strangers to the kids thereafter. And you might want to re-read my original comment because nowhere in there did I say “THEY will always suffer”. It could be deduced that same was my point but I did not use those words. And to say that kids BENEFIT from divorce. Wow. I have absolutely NO RESPONSE to such an ill-informed statement on your part.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 13th, 2008
Deb, I don’t think every divorced parent is selfish. And my kids possess some strengths that kids who grow up in one home don’t have. That said, nothing in life is perfect.
You seem to enjoy trying to pick fights. How come you don’t have your own blog where we can weigh in with our thoughs on your life perspectives?
Comment by Jane Wonder
| June 13th, 2008
Deb, I grew up from the age of 8 with two seperate households for two separate parents. Let me be exceedingly clear with you.
Living between separate households was FAR BETTER than living with my parents under the same roof. They were miserable, fought constantly, and drove my brother and I nuts. We hated it. We were relieved when they finally divorced. They needed to be away from each other.
I have no holes in my life. I have two lovely parents. But I will tell you right now and will defend this until my dying day… I very much did benefit from their divorce. Because that home was far more “broken” when they were in it together than when I lived with just one.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 13th, 2008
As Jane points out, there are many children of divorce who much prefer the two households of honesty to the one household of living a lie.
My children will definitely tell you that they are very glad I left their father. Were they happy when it happened? Not a chance. My daughter would ask me why we can’t just stay together, even though we were quite unhappy. Her take on it was, “Hey, everyone’s unhappy. What makes you think you get to be happy?’
But now, almost nine years later, they are all in their twenties. They’ve learned a lot during that time. And their attitude rapidly changed to one of realizing it needed to happen.
I know that every child has the ability to survive not only divorce, but a great many things.
I am the first to say that divorce devastates the children. No exceptions. You can try to make it the best and most friendly divorce possible, but it does initially devastate them. As well as the parents. I once heard a man say that the reason people can’t just get divorced and move on is because it’t not like two people going their own separate ways. It’s like one person being torn in two.
So I’m not trying to minimize the effects of divorce. I just know that the hard and fast rule of staying together for the sake of a children is one that needs to be really evaluated.
It is my firm belief that the best thing for everyone in every situation, whether we’re talking marriage, divorce, employment, relationships… is honesty. It may be painful to make certain choices. But rather than focusing on whether a choice is right or wrong, try holding it up to the light of honesty. This is the way I measure all things now.
Emotional integrity. No small matter.
Pingback by BabyCenter: MOMformation » Blog Archive » Don’t forget to wish single dads a “Happy Father’s Day”! | June 13th, 2008
[...] family.David Mott at Dad’s House can write a sporty soccer blog one day, and a mushy soft post on intimacy the [...]
Comment by Me Thinks
| June 13th, 2008
Wow, I cannot agree more. Current beau is great and the sex is fab, we manage to see each other pretty frequently (one advantage of dating someone without kids of their own) but I seriously hate that we cannot sleep together very often. The last guy I dated, I used to LIKE it that he had to go home at the end of the night when my kids were here (talk about a red flag!). But now I find myself wondering how I know we’ve reached the point where my man can stay overnight, I’m super cautious with my kids but I am digging this guy a lot.
And completely agree on feeling bad that I am not able to model “an adult romantic relationship”, I want to make sure my kids grow up with a clue how to be happy adults themselves.
Comment by pajama momma
| June 15th, 2008
bloggers are like people who enjoy the smell of their own farts!
That is so me. I give myself dutch ovens all the time. You should see me after I’ve had a few beers, oh, or an egg salad sandwich. Those are the best.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 16th, 2008
Ed. Note: I deleted a bunch of comments by Deb. I’m tired of her vulgar bashing of me and other bloggers and readers here. I just don’t need her shit today. (I kept pj momma’s response to Deb because it was funny. Cathouse Teri, I took down yours only because without Deb’s comments, the context was gone. Nothing against you at all.)
I like hearing different opinions, but not when they’re blatantly mean. Deb – please find some other blog to bother.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 16th, 2008
Good plan, Dad. I was thinking the same thing. It did get kinda ugly and was making such a mess on your nicely polished floor here at Dad’s House! :)
Comment by pajama momma
| June 16th, 2008
Great, now I look like I have tourettes.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 16th, 2008
Hee hee.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 16th, 2008
PJ Momma – LMAO!
Comment by SINGLE_M0M
| June 16th, 2008
David – Thank you for removing Deb’s comments. I stopped myself – several times – from commenting but didn’t want to stoop to her level.
Glad you enjoyed your Father’s Day weekend.
Pingback by WMT: Irreconcilable Differences « What men think. | June 18th, 2008
[...] Intimacy that provides trust, love, and loyalty. David Mott of DadsHouse recently wrote about Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy. I wondered to what degree we must concede in order to achieve intimacy with another. [...]